Blood Lines

Are you a Capulet or a Montague, a Smith or a Combs? A surname is but the name of the rose, but do all roses smell as sweet. Before this Shakespeare foray becomes a long winded mess, I will ask this simple question: What makes family? Since the beginning of the ability to recognize one’s parents the idea that one has a family has been a founding block of society. It digs deep into our roots that one has a parent, a grandparent, an uncle, a cousin, etc; but, what does that actually mean. How many of us have family members that we don’t really consider family? How many of us feel the need to be connected to people that we may or may not like because supposedly we have similar blood running through our veins? Do we capitulate into the arms of what we have learned or do we make our own course?


Families in these days and times are becoming less close than they were in previous periods of history. Whether it is blamed on the destabilization of the household, the destabilization of male/female roles or maybe even the decreased birthrate in the US that is causing smaller families, whatever it is families are becoming smaller and less connected. However, is this a bad thing. Family can be the largest strain on oneself From financial woes to acceptance, the pressure that can be put on oneself can be significant. However, it also can be the most supportive thing. How different is the family that we have and the family that we choose? The more I think about this, the more I think that, although, there is a blood bond between family members, the family that we choose is just as important. If one bonds with someone through experience, chance or choice, it can be stronger than that of blood. That bond can also have more of your own interest in mind then someone of your own kin. Those who lean to heavy on the bonds of blood are not deserving of that bond. A bond no matter what, should be a mutual relationship. One that would withstand hardship and one that always tries to be there for you. Memories, feelings and experiences do not get passed through blood, it is our own delusion that makes us create these bonds. In all aspects of our life we should critically analyze the weight of each bond we have and decide whether or not they are a beneficial necessity for us. Our life is too short to be held down by those who would not help us go forward. Now, I am not saying don’t help people, especially blood, if they need help. I am just saying that even blood bonds should be evaluated.

:)

Love me
Love me
Love me
Like I am leaving tomorrow
Like the clock before summer vacation
Like the last day of winter

Because
for a minute
for an hour
for a lifetime
I will love you
with no remorse
no regret
no hesitation

And when you leave
I will be
the embodiment of pain
the embodiment of despair
the embodiment of emptiness

Because
You fill me
Like
Only you
Can

Window

Standing at the open window
Hoping that it starts to rain
The sun shines way to bright
I close my eyes to escape the pain
I wanted things to be different
I wanted myself to change
But when things got so much harder
All my efforts went down the drain
Standing at the open window
Hoping that it starts to rain
The sun shines way to bright
I close my eyes to escape the pain
No fog, no wind, no snow to hide me
Out in the open like the wings of a crane
Hoping that the lord forgives me
To create this world maybe he's insane
My body doesn't react to warmth or blessing
It sits there dull like a dead lion's mane
Standing at the open window
Hoping my tears can hide in the rain

Desire

My wonderful Mother brought up an interesting question while we were enjoying some crab dip at a not so local restaurant. She asked if an alien came down and could remove one of our desires, either our desire for food or our desire for sex, which one we would choose.  And if anyone knows me my answer of course was take away the taquitos immediately. There is no way I would want to go my life without sex, in which my dad echoed my sentiment. However, my sister was on the fence and my mother said take away sex. Although a gender commentary or even a discussion of the significance of sex in a relationship or for pleasure is necessary, it will not be delved into today. I’d rather go into something a little more broad such as how much our desires play into our everyday terms of happiness.

I was reading a book a few months ago called The Traveler. It was about people who could transcend our reality and see the nuances of our life from different perspectives. One thing that stood out to me was that they called our reality that of desire; where we constantly want things and try to stuff the holes in our existence with things, people or ideas. How much does it really take for us to be happy? And is happiness only a fleeting emotion that we shouldn’t try to attain every day? What is the difference between happiness and contentment? How can sadness be so sustainable, but happiness be so fleeting?

For all purposes we will define content as not wanting more or less and happiness as a state of joy. So what do we need to be content; a good job, plenty of food, maybe some good sex, and maybe good people around us. However, when we reach a point in our life that we have that, why do some people always want more. Then this makes us wonder what we need to be happy. Are humans naturally greedy, do we always know that there is probably something better out there and is that better feeling happiness?  Is that why a person cheats in a good relationship? Is that why people strive for power? Is that why people try to amass wealth? I think the heart of American culture is that people always want something better. And I think if given the chance, this would be played out globally. So in a sense, yes, I am saying that human nature is to want more.

Maybe this is where our need for religion, rules and authority come in. I think another intrinsic part of humanity is for us to fight against our nature, to have ideas and beliefs that we are again more than we are, animals.  Our brains make us rationalize our desires, or our want for things and because of this rationalization we need to have something that culturally and socially makes sense.  No one wants to be ostracized for their desires. For example, the desire for sex is natural; however, the performance of it in all aspects is what we try to control. It becomes a political and social trial of what is right.  If we took out the political aspect of sex and were free to love those we choose (minus those that can be a detriment to growing up ie. Pedophilia) would be happier or more content? We generally create all the things that make us unhappy. So it is up to us to figure out how within our desires we can make ourselves content and/or sustainably happy. One can be on earth and be in hell at the same time.

Addicted

Overcast days make me depressed and it has been so since I was a wee little tyke. I remember sitting in my room in Germany looking out the window feeling like the world is ending with every white cloud that I could see shifting in the sky. Needless to say, not the best feeling for a 10 year old. Now, 15 years later I have the same half headache producing pressure that causes me to hide my smile under a sea of melancholy. I have wondered why of all things overcastedness (a word I assure you) puts me in such a foul mood. With no explanation readily available, I turned to look at other times when the melancholic blanket smothers me with its warmth and pallid luster. And this my friends is where addiction comes in. A few years ago i was watching this movie on quantum theory and addiction, how these two were linked I do not remember; however, one thing that stayed with me was the idea of emotional addiction.

How many of us have triggers that set off emotions that we are all to comfortable experiencing? How many of us can feel the onset of that aforementioned blanket before the stimulus even stimulates us? We get so used to feeling a certain way that we run back to it whenever there is a chance; addiction, emotional addiction, physical addiction are all interlinked. A great example of this is body image and for those who diet and exercise. This especially rings true to me and the lifestyle I am living (gradual lost of 20 pounds in two years). How many of us have dieted and exercised for about a month and then stopped. Then had the nagging urge to keep going, but still do nothing. What stops us, what gives us the ability to withstand our goals and progress slipping away? The nagging feeling of defeat  that we have preconditioned ourselves with. We feel as if it is a futile effort that is being wasted away and that even if we keep going we are never going to reach the goal. Now how many other situations can you apply this same reasoning too? How many goals have you let slip away because of this futility? We are addicted to this line of thinking. Our safeplace is half stepped failure, we tried hard so we kind of succeeded, but we didn't reach it so we kinda failed. This halfway house of success is failure and if we stay being comfortable in it, we will feed the addiction. Which a lot of us have for the last 20 or so years.

The question should be; how do we break this addiction, or even can we break this addiction. The answer to this question is I don't know. The only way to stop an addiction is to stop doing the things that you are addicted to. Your safehouse of emotions is a wooden, one door shack sitting on a beach 10 minutes from a tsunami. To make progress, you have to go inland and explore the woods, with woods being your inner psyche and the inland being the world (just in case i was being to metaphorical). Only then when we let our safe-houses be destroyed will we grow. Don't let your fear get in the way of how you want your life to be. To some of us, it already has, but it's up to us to move forward.

Dog

I watch
As my emotional cloud
Changes shape in the air
Turning into of all things
A bright white dog
With his tail wagged low
And his hears pointed down
He sits defeated
He hopes for something
Some freedom
Tha has been deprived
Since his inception
It wants to run
And play in the emerald grass
Kicking gray and white rocks
And chasing lightning bugs
But their glow seems so gar
And the leash that holds him
Is too tightly chained to the fence
For him to sup
On the fountain of life
That is just out of his reach
He can't break free
He can't be free
The wind blows
The dog is gone
But the feeling
Is still there

Stupidity and Intelligence

There are many different forms of intelligence, and much like this ad connotes, anyone outside of the norm has been considered stupid or irrelevant. Don't let people choose what you think. Some of the best ideas came from someone who was bold enough to be like "whatever, I'm doing it".

Illusions and Lies

7:45 pm I sat watching passerbys in Chinatown after 2 beers and an hour and a half of stalling, waiting for my dinner partners to arrive. My mood was generally pretty poor because of the constant reminder of time and the inevitability of it ending. I wondered to myself why when everything is going so well, am I feeling so poorly. But, out of the grey cold cloud that was hovering over my being I realized that it was so that I could think deeper and realize things that I have failed to understand.

I have made a lot of decisions in my life that I believed were right because in my belief system they make sense. However, I wonder how much of my belief system is an illusion. We are born in a culturally clad world, where at first breath we are placed into the framework of our life. Then we are brought up within a veiled world where we are taught to believe in someone else’s beliefs. These beliefs constitute how we see the world. Everything from the way we feel about ourselves to the way we feel about things have been influenced and crafted by the experiences and social dynamics of our life. How many ideas have we had on our own and why are we in constant search of things and emotions that make us feel connected with humanity? And why are people who don't buy into the main schema of beliefs marginalized. It's because people are caught in their own illusions that don't allow them to see anything but it.

Love, hate, nationalism, race, and beauty are all illusions. Illusions that are made real enough by our conscious and subconscious minds that it almost fails to grasp on its own constitution. Why do we feel? The only answer that rang true to me was because we are born alone and without the ability to truely relate to what or who someone is. Some people will talk about empathy for the human condition and how it is central to humanity. But in reality it is all bologna. There are numerous cases in modern history where the failure to acknowledge the human condition for one's own personal reasons have rang a lot harder and clearer than compassion and empathy. Think of something as serious as the nuclear bomb, or as simple as universal healthcare. If we as humans were as empathetic and "good" as people think why do we destroy ourselves?

Now back to love, our inability to feel someone else, to really feel them and acknowledge them as we acknowledge our own life is what draws us to love. It draws us to do things that we hope connect us to someone else more than we are connected to our cell phones or to our family, in which we had not choice. However, what happens when love is unrequited; the startling realization that we really are lonely in the world. And that so called connection that we thought we had, really was an illusion that we created ourselves. That is why it hurts so bad, because it is like looking in the mirror and realizing that everything good you had in life was a dream and that the only thing that you know for certain, or at least you hope you do, is that you are alive.

Now, I am not saying that love or emotion is a bad thing. An illusion that can fill the void left by our supreme loneliness is more than anything that we have. However, I am saying that we are looking for love and emotion to fill the emptiness of knowing that we are alone. An illusion is strong and most of the times it is better to be in an illusion than left in the cold cold world.

Validation

I woke up this morning like many other mornings, sleepy and wishing my alarm clock wasn't across the room. However, there was also something lingering there from the long 3 day weekend. The question of validation and why we search for it. At first this seems like an easy question to answer, one that could be summed up as to have an identity and have people recognize that identity. But then I started to wonder why we need this outward source of identity and how much our identity is created by other people. So this weekend after a few drunken romps, I came to the realization of how much validation "relations" can provide. On one hand, it asserts the physical validation and acceptance that one wants, especially if they may have a few insecurities about themselves. On the other hand, if it does not go well and maybe one person is in the mood and the other isn't, it can be a huge blow to one's ego and their sense of self. Has anyone else ever thought, "No, what do you mean you don't want to go again, it's me." Ego much... :(. It seems as if outward source that we draw from for validation can and will always be a double edged sword, maybe even lined with poison or some sort of addictive drug. It can be something as simple as grades in school, one's ability to perform or even the subtle ability to create friends in odd situations, however, when one of these fails we are left with a feeling of loss. Some would say that, that is why one should always look within themselves for validation, but in reality how many of us social creatures can always do that. We need people to tell us we are good, that we are beautiful, that we are unique. We need these positive influences in our life, or the world is just a cruel joke that laughs at us at our every triumph and failure. I think the only thing we can do to feel normal and to feel sane is to find validation in better places. And one of those I can assure you is not sex appeal.

Happy New Year

Before I get overly sentimental for a year that was pretty shitty, let's look forward to next year. What will it bring? I am hoping the biggest most wonderfulest thing it shall bring is for me to learn from my mistakes. At my age, a whopping 25, I know what my downfalls have been so far. I know what some of my strengths are as well. I think one of my strengths is that I am not afraid to leap out on faith, however, on the flip side I am painfully shy when it comes to situations that are familiar, but are uncomfortable. I also know that one of my biggest weaknesses is that I have great ideas but i have problems with seeing them to the end. I have let life and the unwillingness for sacrifice hinder my dreams. No more I say, no more. Let all that read this hear my outcry. NO FRIGGIN MORE.... The more I let life get in the way, the more I stop living life the way I want to and since we are only gifted with one life (as far as i know), why not take advantage of it.